Soothing the Angry Soul

Sticks and stones may break your bones but anger can kill your spirit. Anger was served every night for dinner. It made me a skinny little girl with a bad attitude.

When you eat so much anger it will come back up when you’re not able to digest it. Mine came up at school. Mr. Silverman, the vice principal of Farragut Elementary in San Francisco, was always dealing with it.

He patrolled the school ground every day. Kids always surrounded him. Though I spent a lot of time in his office being disciplined, when he was on the playground I too enjoyed his company. In his hat and trench coat, clasping a brass bell, he was the most popular figure at recess.

In school I was always fighting with one child or another. I especially disliked the kids whose parents came to Open House. They would look at their child’s work sitting neatly on the desk and act so proud of what their child had accomplished.

Standing alone at my desk, I would look at my pile of half finished, hurriedly put together projects and messy work. My family was not there to look at anything I did. My parents were at home watching TV, to busy to even see how I was doing in school.

My friend’s parents would stop and look at my folder, though they were being kind, it was not the same as having your own parents there to see your things. In my heart I felt I was not worth the time, and that no one really cared about me.

One morning while walking with a friend to school, she mentioned that her parents were taking her to the circus. She asked if I wanted to go? What a question. Sure I wanted to go, I would have given anything to go. But, I knew that I would never go. My parent’s wouldn’t have given me the money.

Why bring up the subject at dinner, it would just start another fight. So I said to my friend, “Who wants to go to a stupid circus, I’ve got other things to do.” And I didn’t talk about it anymore.

That day I arrived at school extra mad and just looking for trouble. I exchanged angry words here and there and told everyone how stupid I thought the circus was. No one wanted to fight with me. When the bell rang I stomped off to class.

I settled into my seat and got my paper and pencil out. The school messenger came into our room and handed the teacher a note. The teacher turned to me and said, “Karen you need to go to Mr. Silverman's office.”

As I made the dreaded walk down the hall, my heart started pounding as I got nearer to Mr. Silverman's door. Someone must have complained about me again.

He was never an angry man. He was soft spoken and genuinely kind, but I was still afraid. It was so unusual to deal with a person who never raised his voice. I felt that one day he would have to loose his temper and this could be the day.

I stood in his doorway with my hair hanging in my face, my ill-fitting dress all disheveled and my fist clinched. He looked at me with a smile. He asked me to come in. I entered and stood in front of his desk.

He said, “Karen, I have this extra ticket to the circus. Would you like to have it?”

I looked at him. I didn’t know what to say. Why was he giving it to me? There were so many kids who were nicer then me, who weren’t always in trouble.

I just said, ”Really?”

He thought that I would enjoy it and if I could find a way to get there I could have the ticket. Reassuring him that I could get a ride, I thanked him and hurried back to class.

When I got back to my seat, I told my friend that I wanted to go to the circus with her on Saturday as I was just given a ticket by Mr. Silverman. Of course she reminded me of what I had said about the circus being stupid. I brightly covered up what I had said with the excuse that I was just kidding.

I was thrilled to have the ticket. But what was to influence the rest of my life was the fact that someone cared. Someone was looking at my work and taking an interest in what I was doing. Someone felt that I was a worthwhile being and that they cared about me even with my flaws. That one act of kindness removed a lot of the anger from me.

Mr. Silverman's thoughtfulness has made me understand how important praise, recognition and kindness is to a troubled child. Good children who don’t have to battle demons seem to come by rewards and praise easily.

When children are angry, they aren’t able to position themselves for rewards or praise. Maybe, like me, they don’t think they have any self worth.

As an adult, when volunteering with young children to help them with reading I try to aim for the troubled one. The very first thing on my agenda is to look for what things I can do to make that child feel that they are special and that someone cares. And I have seen it work.

Mr. Silverman knew that this was the way to reach out to neglected children and that everyone needs to be special and cared for. Now, I use that lesson too. Maybe sticks and stones may break your bones but kindness soothes those little souls.